NARCISSISTIC LOVE AFFAIR …Sweet & Sour!
Do you feel that you act as a magnet for narcissists….Or do you feel attracted by their charm…if yes. This blog is for you!!!
Remember the Highs you felt with your Narcissist Lover?
Remember the way He wooed you till the wee hours?
Remember the Sweet Nothings he wrote and whispered in your ears?
Remember the impatient and impulsive Narcissistic Lover Expressions?
Remember the Vows made in the Darkest intentions you failed to sense?
Remember how he Kept you on a Pedestal until the Illusionary Love shattered?
….. And then came the Dark Revelation of a Narcissistic Lover in Disguise!!!
Life and Love broke hell at that moment leaving you wounded and confused not knowing what to see and accept. Who is at fault you or him? Your shadows came to surface as he or she revealed his or her REAL Fragmented Fractured Egoistic Self Obsessed Soul…
Here’s a tale of one of my Client who came with a broken heart and shattered relationship…
Smitha met Sandeep two years ago. Their relationship started off at lightning speed. Within one month of dating, they were already living together. He swept her off her feet. Smitha found him charming, funny and interested in her life! He seemed so friendly and easy to communicate with. Smitha was on cloud nine to find a true soulmate. The story took a twist when just after two months of their togetherness Sandeep went out for a work trip and Smitha was tired with all the household chores and kept her phone on silent and slipped off to sleep. Sandeep called her multiple times but she didn’t respond. The next day she woke up to awful messages calling her worthless, uneducated and useless! Smitha couldn’t believe it. She had no idea what caused him to insult her so much. She decided to talk to him once he returned. When he returned he showered her with so much love that she couldn’t complain. His hot and cold blow was confusing but she chose to ignore.
She didn’t realize that this was the beginning of the most toxic and verbally abusive relationship she had ever been in. Things got worse with time; he accused her of being jealous, insecure, possessive which left her with self-doubt. With every passing day, the situation was getting progressively worse. His verbal and physical abuse increased. In bed also she found him very cold, it was just intercourse and not lovemaking. For every petty thing, he started blaming her. It was a horrible feeling. He also had sexual relations outside. But, she was so codependent and addicted to him that she couldn’t see through the red flags! She had no idea that he had chased her for money until her cash went dry. Ignorant and lost she chose to sail in illusionary love only to wake up to bitter Truth one day.
She didn’t know why he had such a hold over her and she felt worthless from all the name calling. She couldn’t take this anymore and decided to take professional counsellor help. It was then, I revealed to her that her husband was suffering from NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder). Clueless she broke into tears and fear of her future. However, her healing and counselling began gently helping her to cope with the current relationship and release it with mindfulness than bitterness.
Understanding & Spotting a Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder involves a distorted self-image. Emotions are unstable and intense. There is an excessive concern with power, vanity, prestige and need for personal adequacy. According to some research, the men and women narcissist ratio is 2:1. That is, on every female narcissist come two men with the same personality disorder. Remember, they are patient, no use fixing them as there is no cure for them. But you have a Choice of Accepting the Truth and your Boundaries!
Below are few points which narcissistic possess
- Do not recognize feelings and needs of other
- Love to controls everybody
- Arrogant behaviour
- Uses Sex as a tool
- Always looking for Validation
- Receiving and Not giving
- Only talking about his/her achievements and talents
- Just give importance to herself/himself
- Feeling of superiority
- Feelings of jealousy
- Impulsive Lover
- Needs constant admiration
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Taking advantage of others to meet self-needs
- Fantasizing about their own power, appearance intelligence & success.
UNDERSTANDING WHY WE ATTRACT NARCISSIST OR SOCIOPATH
Being a counsellor I have been dealing with many individuals who say that they think that they are attracting narcissistic personalities towards themselves. Below are few reasons why you are attracting narcissist and other toxic people as a pattern
Your feelings are least important to you
When you don’t value your feelings, you start sacrificing them to please others and make people around you happy. You tend to do almost everything other people tell you to do. Saying No is not your cup of tea. You tend to hurt yourself in this process but you don’t care. You consider that it is crime to want anything.
You feel ok with the behaviour of a narcissist
This can happen if you are born and grown up in such an environment where there were narcissistic people around you. Your close relative, your parents or your sibling were having narcissistic behaviour. You have been physical, mentally and even sexually abused by them throughout your childhood and that’s the reason you think that this is a very normal pattern of life.
Ready to give your power away
In the process of constantly trying to please others, you give up your own self-worth. You don’t even hesitate to give all your powers to them. This is what pleases a narcissist they need someone who gives up their self-esteem and worth to please them and to make them feel superior.
Need approvals to fulfil your wish
If you need the approval of others to do things which you wish to do. You are surely going to attract negative, toxic and narcissistic people towards you. You may have sought mother or father’s approval for every choice and decisions you made. Also, they may have made you feel powerless or worthless.
Try to change someone’s behaviour
You are not born to take the responsibility of changing others. If someone has to change they have to feel it from inside. If they don’t, then every effort is useless. The narcissist will always complain about the hardship of his/her life and will often blame others for it. They will do this to make you fall for them and gain sympathy too. You will feel to help them to come over it by over showering your love or giving money to fix their life issues. And before you know it, they will start manipulating you and will make you believe that there manipulative and negative behaviours are justified!
The feeling of being useless
Do you also feel that you are not worth anything or you are not good enough to be loved by anyone? Because of this, you settle for poor treatment given to you. You tend to go away from the people who love you because you feel you are not worth it. A narcissist often takes advantage of such behaviour and makes you feel worse about it. They are reflecting as your mirror. Wake up to your own shadows to Real Love!
DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST… A New Beginning, an Inside Out Job!
Often I advise my clients dealing with narcissist partners, parents, siblings or lover to forget their traumas and start believing in self. When you feel negative about yourself you tend to attract negative people. So first “THINK POSITIVE”. When you realize your own worth, you don’t need anybody to take care of you. Below are few points to help you cope with a narcissist –
Focus on yourself – As I discussed earlier, know your worth. Do not think about your partner 24*7 hours a day. Focus on yourself and your emotional needs.
Keep yourself safe – Do not let your partner abuse you physically or mentally. If you find yourself unsafe seek help or go away from the scene.
Boost your self-esteem – You are unique. Remind this to yourself every time your partner puts you down.
Surround yourself with positive people – Whether your partner likes it or not, surround yourself with people with positive attitude and who love you without any conditions.
Set Boundaries – Do not let your narcissistic partner take control over your life. Set your own terms and conditions to live your life.
I have been through that road too…He gave me the best Gift…Myself back to Me!
It could be the beginning of SELF LOVE…Not Self Obsessed!
Dealing with a narcissist is no way easy. Whether it’s your Parent or Partner, one has a way to breakthrough before it breaks you! And it depends on you to make a CHOICE! Trust yourself and move forward. If you feel nothing is helping you do not hesitate to take professional help.
Relationship Counsellor can help you see a different point of view while helping you take the “U” turn in your Life!
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