In Search of Love

I grew up in a family where my physical needs were taken care of, yet my mental and emotional needs were often neglected. Probably my parents were taking care in their own ways but not in the ways I needed. After the age of 15, I stepped into the outer world outside of my comfort zone for studies. That time, I was very shy and rarely interacted with boys. Coupled with other insecurities and fears, I got into a bad depression where I was only thinking about death 24*7. That was the first time I met a guy, who was a great support and helped me get out of that phobia. My parents had tried in innumerable ways but the comfort which I got in his company was beyond measure. I fell for him and he made huge promises of marriage etc. But who is serious at the tender age of 17 except for making fake promises? That short lived relationship put a huge scar inside me and I started searching for a ‘life partner’ then onwards. In every guy I met who used to have common interests or that X factor which I admire, my mind used to weave him as my potential future husband. Life moves on and so did I, but from one guy to another, thinking “THIS IS THE ONE”.

I came out of my depression by practicing yoga, meditation and taking counselling. Till the time I was in college, I became quite open and frank with boys. In fact, I had more male friends than female whom I used to hang around with. Having a tendency to trust people easily, I ended up making a lot of friends which sometimes backfired.

But, there was a flip side to this whole game of attraction. Every scene or encounter which appeared to be quite rosy and glittery in the beginning never lasted for a lifetime. When I observed myself, I was giving into all these short term relationships because I was craving the emotional and mental food which I had never received from my parents. Because I was and still am unconventional in my ways, my parents never used to understand my aspirations as my partners did. I realized that my growth in creative and spiritual endeavours was motivated by the validation and appreciation I get from my partners. Though I am a self-motivated person when it comes to something I deeply love, yet I used to get a boost from my partner’s encouragement. On this journey of seeking love and understanding, I met a creative soul and we resonated with each other really well. But I could never get sure that I want to spend my entire life with him. Reasons being, he was carrying a lot of baggage (from his own childhood) which pushed him into self-destructive habits. Hence, I started wanting to change him for his and our betterment. This pushed him away – who likes to be controlled? Likewise, I also attracted beautiful yet broken souls who needed some kind of healing and a lot of love.

Unconsciously, I started seeking self-aware partners who practice some kind of spiritual sadhana to work on themselves. Mostly, I used to pray that I find someone from the same spiritual group I belong to. Nature grants your wishes in different ways and so one fine day, I met someone in whose eyes I saw a lot of spiritual potential. I proposed him within a few days not even knowing him completely on a deeper level for the only thing which mattered was ‘Spiritual Compatibility’. Yet, my dreams were shattered again when I sensed that I am too independent for him. Though he never used to say it outright, I felt I would get suffocated and would have to let go of my dreams if I plan to traverse paths with him. Hence, I broke off and again started a new search. In fact, many guys have told me that they don’t look up to me as a potential partner for lifetime because they feel that I am too free and would go anywhere in search of my pursuits. Also, holding onto me would mean putting me in a cage which I would not like no matter how much they admire me for being so strong and independent.

By that time, all the notions of finding someone from the same spiritual group had dissolved. My journey started searching for destinations where I can find complete self-aware individuals, who love themselves and my freedom. But lo! in that seeking, I attracted none other than Narcissists! These people have a huge self-image and can make you feel on the top of the world. Every time, it felt so Picture Perfect but I had no idea of where this connection is taking me. When I used to be in my best moods, they were available. But while I would need emotional and mental support, I felt a lot of insensitivity and escapist attitude from the other end. For a narcissist, if he says “I love you”, it really means “I love you because your company makes me feel good about myself” and has nothing to do with you. I got involved with a man who was dating three women at the same time just to find out who was the best for him in terms of business aspirations so that he can make her a life partner! The other narcissist used to manipulate a lot as he considered himself the smartest person on earth. He used to make up things in such a way that they appeared very real. In the end, I would feel devastated and frustrated which was very painful. Every single time, I used to go into a relationship with an intense hope that “He will be my husband”… only to be left feeling broken in the end.

I was in one of my darkest times when I came across a relationship coach. She helped me figure out my grey areas and why I was attracting such men. Being an Empath, I used to attract either broken souls or narcissists. In my mind it used to be a Feel Good Factor – having common aspirations and life goals. But the problem stemmed from my childhood of love-less relationship of my parents. I always used to feel that it was superficial, running after fulfilling all the material pursuits which they call LOVE! Yet, a human being is not just the body. The complex thoughts and emotions interplay with each other on a deeper level which one is not able to see till he goes through a setback and becomes self-aware.

My parents’ non-acceptance and lack of appreciation of my aims and what I value in my life led me down this road to get Accepted, Appreciated, Validated and most importantly Loved! But Love comes with a lot of thorns which pull out every sleeping grey area which needed to be mended and healed within myself. This journey through Illusionary love has made me aware of many loop holes in my personality and made me a much stronger person every single time I have broken down. Now I have identified the key areas of my life which I need to work on before looking out for Real Love:-

1. Mending the relationship with my parents (understanding them and making myself understood)
2. Becoming emotionally, mentally and financially independent
3. Setting my boundaries of who I want to give the place of a partner in my life
4. Stop seeing a ‘husband’ in every relatable encounter
5. Start working on myself so deeply and finding love within that I forget the idea of seeking love outside thereby becoming a channel of giving love.

 Here are some more Tips for Her ….

 Lets Understand the Key Shadows of Being ATTRACTED to WRONG MEN!

Do you really think you attract wrong guys? Do you really blame the law of attraction for it? Well if yes, then stop. It’s not that you attract the wrong man, it is you always choose the wrong man. If this is repeatedly happening in your life than it is time to take responsibility for it. Because it is not the universe nor your karma who is getting you in this cycle. It is you who is making a mistake while choosing the man.

Reasons why you “attract” the Wrong One:

Excitements, Thrills & Mystery Captivates You – Maybe you always search for a guy who is flashy and exciting? Or who will take you out for dates and fun-filled weekends. In this search, you overlook the other man who has the potential to be a loyal and true partner because he is shy and not outspoken.

Lack of Boundaries – You allow others to rule or set boundaries on your behalf. You have no clear boundaries and allow men to step over you, leaving you helpless and clueless.

Loneliness Fear Factor– Fear of being alone forces you to settle down in whatever comes first. You find being in a wrong relationship more appealing than being alone.

Childhood Wounds and Victim self – According to research people who have gone through abuse or certain trauma in their childhood often get into wrong relationships.

Not Valuing Self nor Setting Standards– If you live a life under guidelines set by whims and fancies of the world, you can never explore your potential as an individual. You feel that you are not worth and do not deserve a good partner.

Clueless of What You Really Want – If you are not clear about what traits you want in your life partner you will end up in a wrong relationship.

You think you are Miss Fix It– You feel that nobody can be perfect and you settle down with a guy with wrong habits and feel you can change him. Phew! You will surely feel disappointed and frustrated soon!

Looks over Matter – You give priority to looks, sexual desire and feel attracted to a man who can fulfil those. In this, you overlook other aspects and qualities which are equally important for a healthy relationship

You Accept the Wrong as Right  –You have grown up in an environment which accustomed you to unhealthy patterns. You have closely seen physical and emotional abuse and you feel it is a part of life.

Browsing and Hanging out on the Wrong Platform – If you tend to search for your right partner on the same social platforms and you hang out with the same circle where you came across the wrong guy… Chances of you, bumping into a wrong guy again is high.

Past memories still Haunt You– If you have gone through any abuse or pain in your past relationship and were not able to overcome it. This will follow you in future relationships too because you will not be able to trust your intuitions.

Influenced by a Movie hero – You feel that you will get a guy like the ones you watched in movies. He will come on a white horse and take you away. You will tend to look for a guy who has similarities with the hero. Wake up! These are just illusions and in real life, you need to watch carefully before settling in for anybody.

Inspired by Mills and boons – If you are among those who get an adrenaline rush while reading mills and boons and have a dream of living those stories, you will overlook the guys who are simple yet have the potential of being a good partner.

Looking for a Fatherly figure – Maybe your dad was alcoholic or emotionally unavailable and you tend to look for a guy who behaves as a fatherly figure to you. You are most likely to end up dating a married man in this case.

Codependency Behaviours– Co-dependency is another factor which can make you settle down with anybody who can meet your financial needs.